Excalibur's At It Again!
by Shinigami256
Summary: A small village in the Old West had been cursed: the infamous Holy Sword Excalibur has arrived! What will happen when the Sword decides to walk into a bar demanding for tea? Can the villagers put up with his insufferable and irritating rants? Warning: The ending or at least for this chapter is really, really, REALLY random and uncalled for...Enjoy! :


Arizona, USA

July 16th, 1888

The sky was cloudless on the hot July afternoon. The wind was harsh as it swayed the gritty desert sand in the air, creating sandstorms and small dust devils. Citizens of nearby villages kept to their homes, for it was so hot outside that even the birds weren't out to sing and the desert reptiles hid under cool, shady rocks and bushes.

But one small farming town bore an exception.

A small, white creature with an exaggeratedly long top hat pompously marched across the main streets of the village, a hint of pride and arrogance in his slow walk.

The creature stopped at a building labeled _Tim's Liquor_.

The white being blinked his eye and nodded his head in approval and proceeded to push open the revolving bar doors. Once he stepped inside, the fumes of cigarette smoke and dust hit his nostrils hard, and the sound of drunks and hysterical laughing made him quite frustrated.

He whispered softly in disapproval: "Fools."

The creature then took a seat at the bar and motioned for the bar tender.

The blonde bar tender looked to be about eighteen-years-old, his blue eyes creating an innocent edge to his looks.

"What can I get for you...sir...?" the boy asked in bewilderment as he eyed the odd white creature in a tux and top hat.

"Hello, young man. I am the holy sword, Excalibur, and I fancy some tea."

"Uh, yes, well...we don't really have any tea, sir...sorry. Can I get you some of our famous whiskey?" the boy was even more confused when the creature called himself a sword, particularly "the Holy Sword, Excalibur". He definitely didn't look anything like a sword.

_Isn't that sword from a fairy tale or something? _he thought to himself.

"FOOL! I shall have some tea."

"Yes, well about that, sir, I-"

"FOOL!"

A long, awkward silence proceeded to engulf the befuddled boy.

"Um, one second...I'll get my manager."

The boy exited through a small door behind the bar counter and came back with a tall, muscular middle-aged man. He wore a leather jacket, worn-out jeans, and tall riding boots.

"This is the...er...sword...I was talking to you about, sir." the bar tender informed the manager.

"So ya want some tea, eh?" the man asked Excalibur in a deep, harsh, and intimidating voice.

"FOOL! Of course I do!" he crossed his arms and pouted at the man, not even showing the slightest bit of intimidation from him.

"Well we don't have any tea. So wadda ya want already?" the tall man's voice began to rise.

"FOOLS! DO I OR DO I NOT HAVE TO REPEAT MYSELF?" Excalibur proceeded to raise his pompous voice as well.

"Just leave then you-"

"FOOLS!"

"And how am I a-"

"FOOL!" the creature barked at the tall man. Their argument began to collect an audience around them.

"JUST LEAVE YA ALIEN!" the man shouted at Excalibur.

"FOOL! MY LEGEND BEGAN IN THE TWELFTH CENTURY THANK-YOU VERY MUCH!" the sword turned his head away from the manager in complete disgust.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" the manager asked; he was beyond confusion.

"FOOL! I'll take some coffee and cream, please."

"I thought you wanted tea!"

"FOOL! WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?"

"What the hell?"

"FOOL! WHAT IS IT?"

"Um...well I guess it's-"

"FOOL! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DECLARE YOUR FAVORITE COLOR!"

"But you just-"

"FOOL! TEA IS GOOD FOR THE MIND AND SOUL!" the holy sword then began to adjust his top hat.

"Don't you want coffee and cream now?"

"FOOL! MY LEGEND BEGAN IN THE 12TH CENTURY!"

"Get. Out of. My. Store!" the man screamed.

Excalibur sighed, "fools...", then marched out of the bar, his head up high in arrogance and his expression calm, as if nothing had happened.

Later that evening, the manager of _Tim's Liquor, _Timothy Hayes, finally shut his lamp off and retired to his bed. He shut his eyes and almost immediately began to snore.

Suddenly he heard a faint rustling in the bushes near his opened window.

Before the man could even comprehend what could be making all the noise outside his window, he heard footsteps. They were certainly coming from inside his room.

He immediately opened his eyes and sat up, searching the room in fright. Then he saw it.

The same white being he had encountered earlier that day in the bar somehow managed to climb onto his bed, which was certainly taller than this creature.

Excalibur stood there nonchalantly; leaning on his white cane and looking straight at Timothy Hayes.

"YOU AGAIN?" Timothy screamed.

"Sir, would you like to hear of an heroic tale?" Excalibur asked calmly.

"OK CUT THE CRAP- WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?"

"FOOL! DO YOU KNOW OF MY TOP HAT!?" the white creature suddenly pointed his cane at the man.

"THAT'S IT! I'M GETTING THE SHERIFF!" the man jumped out of his bed, but right as he attempted to leave the room, the creature's cane suddenly appeared in front of him, blocking his way.

"GET THAT OUT OF MY WAY YOU DEMON!"

"FOOL! I ASKED: DO YOU KNOW OF MY TOP HAT?"

"I'm not even listening anymore. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to-"

"FOOL! My mornings always begin with a nice hot cup of tea with sugar cubes."

"Yeah, so?" Timothy raised his eyebrows.

"Then my afternoons begin with a nice cup of coffee and cream..."

"Look, I won't get the sheriff if you quit yappin' and get the heck outta my house!"

"FOOL! Then my nights begin with..."

"Sneaking into people's homes?" the man grinned.

"FOOL! MY legend began on a Monday in the month of July..."

Timothy Hayes sighed, and finally decided, for amusement, to listen to this so-called "Excalibur" for once. Afterwards he would for sure turn him in to the Sheriff's office just so he didn't cause anymore harm to other citizens.

"It was a cool winter's morning and- wait yes, it was in the winter now that I recall it..."

_Here we go... _Timothy rolled his eyes.

"And the hot spring sun beat down on the desert land on that beautiful fall afternoon-and yes, now that I think of it the story did begin on a fall afternoon on Tuesday-yes it was a Tuesday indeed. Anyways, on that beautiful Saturday afternoon, and yes actually it was a Saturday now that I recall it. No, actually... it was Tuesday. Perhaps Wednesday? There is always Thursday...no, no, it was Monday. Though I do recall it being a Sunday...what a fool I am! Of course it was Saturday! Hold on, the weather pattern did correlate with a typical Tuesday afternoon, especially considering the conditions in the United Kingdom. Or perhaps it was in Denmark? No, it could not have been Denmark; for it was in Sudan! Yes! Wait, hold on...Sudan's too hot and dry...oh, yes, silly me! It took place in the rolling hills of Switzerland! Actually, come to think of it...perhaps it was Australia. Although there is always Argentina...no definitely not! It was China! Yes! But where exactly in China? That's the question, you see. And it was definitely on a winter's morning now that I recall that fine and authentic memory in the United Kingdom..."

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tall man in a formal black butler's suit jumped into the room from the open window and clasped a satin white-gloved-hand over the mouth of Excalibur, immediately silencing him. The tall black-haired man smirked and turned his head back around to face the window, where a young man with dark blue hair could now be seen standing right outside it. The youth with the eye patch nodded his head in approval.

"Marvelous work, Sebastian. You have done exactly what I ordered, just as a butler should do...You shut that foul creature's mouth up." the young man, Ciel, shouted back at his butler, Sebastian.

Sebastian then took a cloth from his pocket and tied it around the Holy Sword's mouth, then produced handcuffs from his other pocket and cuffed the white creature's wrists.

"My apologies, sir, for not capturing him earlier." the demon butler bowed in front of a baffled and speechless Timothy Hayes.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a master and a "Holy Sword" to transport back to London."

The butler then swiftly ran back to the window, jumped out, grabbed his master's hand, and leaped into the air [and, yes, Sebastian can actually do this] in complete silence, with a handcuffed Excalibur in his other hand.

The speechless Timothy Hayes blinked his eyes, questioning if this was all a dream or not.

"I need to quit it with that whiskey..." he muttered, then proceeded to jump back into his bed.


End file.
